Before You Have That Hard Conversation: Preparing to Navigate Conflict on Your Own, Part II
Hello, again, Dear Reader! There’s a lot of advice out there about what to do during a conflict conversation; but rarely do we hear about what we can do before the conversation. So, last month, I published a blog with the first 4 of my favorite tips to prepare for having a conflict conversation in the workplace. Please read that blog first before proceeding to this one. It provides important context, and altogether they will help set you and your colleague up for healthier conversations. Thank you for doing this good, hard work, and I wish you growth and joy as you develop your conflict practice!
Tip #5: ASK FOR CONSENT
Assuming that the conflict is low-level, trust is sufficient and you are holding a compassionate disposition, check to see whether the other person is actually willing to have the conversation. Don't assume they are. Conflict conversations are uncomfortable by nature. Both parties may feel anxious, and a surprise conversation can even trigger defense or survival responses rooted in past harm or trauma. Even if you're ready, the other person may not be; so, treat them with care from the beginning by inviting them to a conversation.
To do that, consider framing your invitation around skill-building. Here is a generic template you can personalize: "Hi, I've been working on developing my conflict competency skills, and I've noticed some tension between us. I believe it's something we can work through together, because I value you and our relationship. Would you be willing to have a conversation with me?" Framing it this way does two things: it centers the relationship rather than the grievance, and it positions the conversation as shared work, which gives both of you room to be a little messy, vulnerable, and human with each other.
If the other person says yes, thank them and ease into the issue: "Thank you for being willing to invest in our relationship. I've been feeling some tension around X, and I'd love to talk it through." Be sure to focus on the situation, not the person. Use "I" statements to describe your experience rather than assigning blame. For example, "I feel out of the loop when deadlines change without notice" lands very differently than "You never tell me anything."
If they decline your invitation, that's okay. You can still use the steps ahead to process the conflict internally on your own and develop your own conflict skills. Because even if the other person isn't ready, you can still show up for yourself.
Tip #6: LOOK FOR A COMPASSIONATE DISPOSITION
Remember in Tip #4 when you reflected on your own dispositions towards compassion, curiosity, and grace? The other person should hold these dispositions as well. But how can you tell? Well, while you are both preparing for a conflict conversation, both parties can communicate signals of openness and compassion to each other. Some examples may include:
They respond positively to having a conversation with you.
They share appreciation at receiving the invitation.
They acknowledge the strength to raise the issue.
They express value in repairing the relationship.
They offer to meet at a convenient time or place for you.
They do not blame or defend or attack.
The signs of a compassionate disposition will be unique to each situation, so I encourage you to be open and receptive to their signals. And, if you can see these positive indicators, great! Move forward! And share this blog with them so you both work from the same page.
If, however, the other person begins to blame, attack, defend, or argue with you in these preliminary stages, a self-facilitated conversation may not be the right path right now…and that's okay. You can request a pause or ask to bring in a third party to facilitate. And, as we said before, you can still use the steps ahead to process the conflict internally on your own and show up for yourself.
Tip #7: ESTABLISH APPROPRIATE TIMING
Scheduling a conflict conversation can feel awkward. We often want these moments to feel organic and unscripted. But time is a scarce resource in most workplaces and putting it on the calendar serves both parties because it creates space to prepare before and decompress after.
But how much time should you block? There's no universal answer. Some conversations make real progress in minutes or an hour; others unfold over days. It depends on the issue, the people involved, the power dynamics, the history between you, and more. Assuming your conflict is low-level and you have sufficient trust with the other person, consider the following prompts to guide your scheduling:
What is your goal? If you just want some space to air a low-level frustration or bring awareness to a small hurt with a trusted colleague, you likely won’t need much time. But if you want to examine a more complicated issue, communicate more tangled emotions, or collaborate with the other person on a solution, then give yourselves more time to dig in. See Tip #9: Clarify Your Needs & Boundaries for more.
How long can you realistically engage? Think back to past difficult conversations. When did you hit your engagement limit? And how did your body tell you that? Some people are comfortable talking about conflict for hours while others feel antsy or stressed after 30 minutes. Use that somatic self-knowledge to set a realistic window and build in appropriate breaks so each of you can engage fully.
What's on either side of the conversation? Don't schedule this back-to-back with other meetings. Give yourself transition time before and after. Even ten minutes walking outside, listening to calming music, or mindfully breathing after a conflict conversation can make a huge difference for your nervous system [as well as for the other colleagues you’ll encounter the rest of the day].
Where do you want to meet? Choose a setting where both of you can feel safe enough to speak honestly and with compassion. Is that online or in person? At work or a neutral location? At someone’s desk or in a private room? On a walk or sitting next to each other? Environment matters more than people expect.
Once you've reflected on these, share your answers with your partner and invite them to share theirs. Then, decide on a time and place together that meets both your needs. Sharing like this before the conflict conversation has the added bonus of gently orienting you both towards reflection and communication, which can set your conflict conversation up for greater success.
Tip #8: EXAMINE YOUR PHYSICAL RESPONSES
You've confirmed the conflict is appropriate for self-facilitation, your colleague is on board, and you have a time on the calendar. Now, before anything else, pause and check in with your body. For many people, conflict stirs up physical responses: a clenched gut, tight shoulders, a racing heart, sweaty palms, a low hum of dread, or even frenetic energy. These aren't signs of weakness or lack of composure. They're the natural result of fight/flight/freeze/appease hormones flooding your system [for more, see this article with a free quiz from Psychology.com]. And when we're flooded, it's harder to access the clear-thinking, grace, and compassion that a good conflict conversation requires.
It's worth saying clearly that these responses developed for a reason. They likely helped you survive difficult situations in the past. The goal isn't to eliminate them or feel ashamed of them. Instead, it's important to recognize when they're no longer serving you, when a survival response from an earlier chapter of your life is getting in the way of what you actually want now.
So, before your conversation, sit with these prompts:
What is your default response to conflict: fight, flight, freeze, or appease/fawn?
Why do you think you developed that response, and how did it serve you in the past?
What's different about your life or circumstances now compared to when that response formed?
When does your default response help you in this workplace? And when does it get in your way?
What would it look like to disrupt that default response, even slightly? How does that feel?
How do you want to learn and grow in your conflict competence? What do you intentionally want to practice?
This kind of embodied self-reflection is more than prep work; it's an act of courage. As Gabes Torres writes in How to Process Our Collective Grief: “We're conditioned to be disembodied, to function like machines in service of institutional demands. Choosing to tune into your body and move toward a conflict conversation with intention is, in that light, a quietly radical act.” The more honestly both parties can answer these questions before the conversation, the more likely you are to show up with patience and compassion, for each other person and yourselves.
Tip #9: CLARIFY YOUR NEEDS & BOUNDARIES
At some point in a productive conflict conversation, both parties should name their needs. But that's harder to do in the moment than it sounds. Before you can share what you need, you have to know what those needs are.
Start by reflecting on the issue at the heart of the conflict and ask yourself: "What is it I really need? Not just what action do I wish the other person would take right now, but rather, what does that action represent to me? What am I craving or longing for in this relationship?" (from “How to Figure Out Your Unmet Needs”by Shasta Nelson in HuffPost)
Once you have a clearer sense of your needs, turn your attention to your boundaries. Sometimes one person's needs can bump up against another's limits, and often we don't know exactly where those limits are until they've been crossed. To find those boundaries, reflect on these questions before the conversation:
How do you know when someone has crossed a line with you? What signals does your body give you, both in the moment and later when you’ve reflected?
What's the difference, for you, between a boundary being pushed (which can invite growth) versus crossed (which can lead to shutdown or anger)?
Clarifying this for yourself before the conversation can help you recognize in the moment when a boundary is being pushed vs crossed, which will help you stay present and have a productive conversation that encourages your own growth while preserving your safety.
It's also worth reframing what boundaries actually are. Prentiss Hemphill offers this: "Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously." In this framing, we see that boundaries aren't walls to keep people out; instead, they're the conditions that allow us to stay in relationship with others while still honoring ourselves. In that sense, this conversation isn't just about resolving a conflict; it's about tending to a relationship so you can both remain in it.
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And those are my 9 favorite tips for preparing to have a self-facilitated conflict conversation! If you're feeling a little overwhelmed right now, that's totally fair. This is a lot. But here's the thing: you don't have to do all of it, and you don't have to do it in order. These tips describe an ideal scenario, and reality rarely cooperates with ideals. Do what you can. Each step you take moves you toward a more honest and compassionate conversation, and that's worth something regardless of how many boxes you checked.
And if you and your colleagues would like to develop a full team culture that is conflict competent, please reach out: I'm here to help.
Post Note of Gratitude: My conflict practice has been shaped by thinkers and practitioners who have walked this path before and alongside me. They include but are not limited to: adrienne maree brown, Prentiss Hemphill, Dean Spade, Thich Nhat Hanh, and the Crisis and Trauma Resource Institute, as well as respected colleagues such as Sophie Morse with the Kitsap Dispute Resolution Center, leadership coach, Ananda Valenzuela, and Deep Democracy trainer, Navida Nuraney. Follow these folks if you're looking to deepen your own conflict competency.
