Before You Have That Hard Conversation: Preparing to Navigate Conflict on Your Own, Part I
As a culture and team development consultant, I help organizations build a culture of conflict competency, where employees have the dispositions and skills to turn disagreements into productive solutions and governance structures that encourage healthy tensions and compassionate conversations. It's impactful work. But it requires organizational buy-in and resources not every team is ready to commit.
Meanwhile, conflict doesn't wait. There will be blunders, contradictions, mistakes, and hurts, which means individuals must often navigate tensions on their own. And they usually do this by having a direct conversation with the other person. That's the right instinct! But not always the right path. And jumping in without forethought can send things sideways fast.
So today, I'm sharing some of my favorite tips to help you prepare for those conversations: questions to sit with and strategies to practice before you and your colleague meet. I won't pretend this takes no effort; it does. But if repairing the relationship matters to you, this prep work is worth it. Think of it less as homework and more as an act of care - for the relationship and for yourself.
Since every conflict is different, these are general suggestions; some may be new, some familiar, and some may not fit your specific situation. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and please receive it all in the spirit it's intended. There's enough to cover that I'll spread these across two blogs, with additional resources linked in the body for you to dig in further.
If your team is ready to invest in a broader culture of conflict competency, reach out! I'd love to work together. But if it's just you right now, let's dig in.
Tip #1: CONSIDER THE LEVEL OF THE CONFLICT
Not all conflict is the same, so take a moment to determine where yours falls on the spectrum before you do anything else.
Low-level conflicts [i.e. missed deadlines, dropped balls, small miscommunications, minor breaks in trust] are uncomfortable, but they generally don’t cause lasting harm. That also makes them ideal for practice! These are the conversations where you can build your skills without the stakes being too high.
And this practice compounds over time. Writer, organizer, and advocate Mia Mingus reminds us that starting with smaller conflicts is important because most of us were never taught to navigate them, and as a result, relationships suffer or end over things that could have been worked through: “Learning how to address these smaller hurts or breaks in trust, can help us learn the basic skills we need to address larger harms.” We can see that practicing with lower-level conflicts builds our muscles to address more serious harms if/when they arise.
But some conflict isn't low-level. Bullying, harassment, abuse, and violence are in a different category entirely. They are not appropriate for self-facilitation, and forcing conflict mediation may be counterproductive. Though developed for schools, this clarification about the difference between conflict and bullying from the National Bullying Prevention Centercan be easily adapted and incredibly helpful for the workplace:
“The difference between bullying and conflict is important to note, because conflict resolution or mediation strategies are sometimes misused to solve bullying problems. These strategies can send the message that both [parties] are partly right and partly wrong, or that ‘We need to work out the conflict between you two.’ These messages are not appropriate in cases of bullying (or in any situation where someone is being victimized). The appropriate message to the [party] who is being bullied should be ‘Bullying is wrong and no one deserves to be bullied. We are going to do everything we can to stop what is happening to you.’”
This is as true for the conference room as the classroom. If you're experiencing bullying, harassment, abuse, or violence in your workplace, please don't try to handle it alone. Reach out to a trusted supervisor, union rep, HR team member, Employee Resource Group, board member, or another trusted professional resource to find the support and next steps you deserve.
Tip #2: CONSIDER TRUST
Ultimately, conflict conversations are about repairing small hurts in a relationship. And context matters enormously. A missed deadline from a trusted colleague lands very differently than the same missed deadline from someone with whom you have a fraught history. So, beyond the level of conflict itself, consider the level of trust in the relationship.
When low-level conflicts arise between people who generally trust each other, self-facilitated conversations tend to work well because both parties are more likely to approach the conversation with grace, compassion, and a willingness to be accountable. But when there's a history of "bad blood," what looks like a single slip-up may actually be the surface of something deeper. Ask yourself honestly: is this really just about one missed deadline? Or is there a longer list of grievances implicitly attached to it?
If it's the latter, consider bringing in a trained third party rather than going it alone. HR staff are often equipped to facilitate these conversations, and many communities have local Dispute Resolution Centersthat offer outside support, often for free or reduced rates.
This may feel like too much for your situation, but in my experience, when there's a long list of things you want to address with someone, that's usually a signal there’s something more significant is at play, something that deserves skilled attention. Give yourself permission to ask for help.
Tip #3: CONSIDER POWER
Beyond trust, consider the power dynamics at play. There are many types of power, but for this blog, I want to focus specifically on Positional Power, or the authority that comes with one's role or position within an organization or field. (For a deeper dive on the types of power, see the works of Drs. Cedar Barstow & Amanda Aguilera.)
When both parties hold the same level in an org chart, positional power is equal. But when one person outranks the other, a real imbalance exists, and that imbalance doesn't disappear because a manager has an "open-door policy." The person with less positional power is taking a genuine risk in approaching a conflict conversation with someone who has authority over their livelihood, reputation, or role. Retaliation [whether overt or subconscious] is a real possibility they must weigh.
That said, conflict conversations across a power gap are still possible*, especially when the issue is relatively low-stakes and a foundation of trust exists. What helps enormously is when the person with greater positional power explicitly names the imbalance and takes responsibility for it. This is not optional courtesy; it is their responsibility.
In practice, that might sound like: "I recognize I hold more positional power here, and I genuinely appreciate your willingness to have this conversation with me. I commit to using my authority responsibly so we can find a solution together. What would help you feel comfortable and safe as we talk?"
Naming the dynamic doesn't erase it. But it does signal good faith, which can give the person with less power enough trust to show up honestly, which is what makes the conversation worth having.
*Important note: These tips are for low-level conflicts between colleagues who are looking to repair a relationship. These are not tips for a supervisor who needs to have a corrective conversation with a subordinate about an infraction. That is a different situation, and I recommend consulting your governance documents and/or HR department for guidance.
Tip #4:CONSIDER YOUR DISPOSITIONS
Having a conflict conversation may not be easy, but it should come from an internal place of compassion, curiosity, and grace, both for yourself and the other person. We have these conversations because we are invested in repairing and nourishing the relationships between people. So, be honest with yourself: if you have this conversation, will you be able to…
Talk, not argue?
Reflect on your own role, not point fingers?
Listen for the other’s unmet needs, not lodge your own demands?
Share vulnerably, not attack?
If you feel you can engage in these ways, wonderful! Practicing and holding this compassionate disposition during conflict conversations is a key to success.
If, however, you find yourself wanting to blame, attack, defend, or argue, a self-facilitated conversation may not be the right path right now…and that's okay. Step away and take some time to process. You may not be ready right now, or the conflict may be higher-level than you thought. Not every conflict is appropriate for self-facilitation. And as we said before, give yourself permission to ask for help.
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And those are my first 4 tips to prepare for self-facilitated conflict conversations! And there are more coming down the pike, which will tackle how to ask for consent to have a conflict conversation, looking for the indicators of a compassionate disposition in the other person, clarifying needs and boundaries, and more! So, start with these and keep an eye out for my blog next month when I publish the remaining tips. And thank you for working on addressing conflict in the workplace in a healthier way. Your efforts improve us all.
Post Note of Gratitude: My conflict practice has been shaped by thinkers and practitioners who have walked this path before and alongside me. They include but are not limited to: adrienne maree brown, Prentiss Hemphill, Dean Spade, Thich Nhat Hanh, and the Crisis and Trauma Resource Institute, as well as respected colleagues such as Sophie Morse with the Kitsap Dispute Resolution Center, leadership coach, Ananda Valenzuela, and Deep Democracy trainer, Navida Nuraney. Follow these folks if you're looking to deepen your own conflict competency.
